Fuck Buddy

I had a fuck buddy. I needed a fling when I split up with my ex but it didn't quite go according to plan. It was actually a friend of a friend who became my fuck buddy which made things a bit more complicated. The sex was amazing, we had so much spark between us, he was great to be around and I felt completely at ease with him. We decided to be "exclusive" but I had to stop seeing him because I was getting too attached and I was confused about where I stood.

Last weekend we both happened to be out Saturday tonight and I couldn't help but be attracted to him still, so quite predictably we kissed and he stayed at mine. It was fantastic, I can't quite believe how much we'd missed each other. So now I'm back to square one. I guess the concept of a fuck buddy doesn't quite work for me. If there is no emotion, it doesn't matter how attractive someone is I will get bored very very quickly.

So after declaring myself single, I'm in another fine mess.

Status Update

I have declared myself single.

Ex

He sent me lots of irrational emails recently. For example, I would regret my decision to break up with him. My Ex still refers to me by my pet name which I find really inappropriate. It's probably linked to his inability to accept we're finished and will never get back together.

Obviously he never knew me well enough to know I do not feel regret about decisions past.

He also made an irrational request for me to return all the things he ever gave me, including birthday gifts. I pointed out it was socially unacceptable to ask for presents back over the age of 18.

By Day, By Night

I have been hanging around the gym in the hope of bumping into a guy I feel the urge to apologies to. My friend has a guy who hangs around the gym for her - she calls him "her stalker". But I do have a legitimate reason for seeking him out, I need to apologies for being a drunken flirt last Friday, while he was perfectly sober. Even if it is a very accurate description of how I spend my weekends I do not want him to think I am a drunken flirt. I would prefer him to think of me as sexy, poised, witty and intelligent - that's not too much to ask right?

I have no idea what he thinks of me. I mean, he's seen me at the gym (flustered, smeared make up, with water spilt down my clothes) and on a Friday night (disheveled, smeared make up, with Pornstar martinis down my clothes). It cannot be good, can it?

I haven't bumped into him yet. He knows I'm there after 7pm on a weekday evening and on a Saturday morning (how observant) so I have been sticking to my routine. In the meantime I'll just have to get in shape.

Signalling Effect

Well, I think I may be getting over my crush. We have met a few times for drinks, come back to mine had great sex but I don't see him often enough to keep any kind of desire going in between our meetings.

At first I had knew very little about him and let my imagination run wild. Between seeing him I could give myself butterflies by day dreaming and imagining what he was like. Now that we've met a few times I'm kind of in between not knowing him and possible knowing him. I'm familiar enough with him to prevent day dreaming yet I very much doubt that we will get to know each other on anything more than a physical level.

For now I'm putting the lack of interest down to him being busy with work and exams but if things don't improve after Christmas I'll have to stop seeing him. I would like to get to know him better, and I'll need to if I'm too stay attracted to him. I can never be attracted to someone on a looks only basis for very long. The novelty wears off and I get bored.

I don't mind meeting up just once a week (that suits me just fine) but there needs to be some contact in between i.e. flirty text messages to keep the fire stoked. I have text him but the messages I get back, if I get one back might as well be about the weather for all the passion they have.

He needs to strike while the iron is hot if he's interested. At the moment I am feeling lukewarm. I am unwilling to play games and have initiated contact but I am also unwilling to chase someone who isn't really that fussed.

The worse thing is that when we first slept together he asked me to stop seeing my fuck buddy, talk about mixed messages!

Desperate Housewife

One of the reasons my relationships have broken down in the past is because of my stubborn need for Independence - financially, emotionally, physically and time wise. But I really want a man who can take control, who can be masterful and dominant. I'm driven, motivated and so in control of my own life that I don't want to be like that in a relationship all the time.

Sometimes I dream of being a housewife. I would approach my duties with the same relish and commitment I do my job. Half my mind is in the 1950's. I'd cook some fabulous evening meal in my rockability dress after spending the afternoon in a hair salon having my raven haired locks teased into romantic curls. I'd bring up 2.4 beautiful children and "swoon" as my gorgeous, bread winning husband returns from the office and calls out "Honey, I'm home!" I guess the only reference to the 50's in a modern day equivalent would be pastel coloured Smeg fridge freezer.

But the inner cynic would never let me be a housewife. My instinct for self preservation is too strong. I could never be dependent on a man financially - what happens if you get divorced? After all, lets be realistic. Men are allowed to get old, and many look good doing it (think George Clooney and Brad Pitt) but ageing and women are two things that aren't allowed to sit at the same table. We get old, then we get replaced and then we have to start over. I'll stick to working my arse off, I like it, plus no one can complain about how much I shop.

The Drought

I have recently come off some medication, one of the side effects was lowered libido and inability to orgasm. Let me reassure you the medical situation was so desperate I was willing to loose my orgasm.

Now I have given up the prescription medication and my sex drive is the size of Africa. And I am single. Life is so unfair, Ann Summers makes a fortune out of people like me.

The situation is desperate, all I can think about is sex (with a particular person) and typically I can't have them.

Great Expectations

I went for a date, in fact, I don't think it was even a "date" on the 16th October. I think I thought it was a date, he thought it was "drinks" just to confuse things even more. It was good, I found it easy to talk, he made me laugh, I flirted, we kissed (the kiss was amazing) and I haven't seen him since.

OK, I appreciate he is busy, I'm feeling completely over subscribed myself at the moment but there's hardly been any contact to keep any sort of interest going. Barely any text messages, no emails, no facebook flirting, nothing.

Now I wouldn't describe myself as needy, its just I have a short attention span. I need some mild flirtation between meetings to keep me interested otherwise I get distracted by other people, friends, shopping, life in general. Why are men so rubbish at communication?

I am going to generalise that men from his particular industry are terrible at keeping in touch. This is from obeservations of two members of this sub species. My best friend is also trying to "date" one of them and has the same problem.

You see, if they were horrible, not very special, we wouldn't bother waiting and hoping for them to get in touch (stomach flutters when text received from said men) or if it seemed that they were doing it on purpose, instead we have reluctantly accepted that it's just the way they are.

Now, being a cynic I am begining to wonder if this behaviour is completely natural, or, are these guys of above average intelligence playing a cunning game? The tactic could be to have us accept such poor levels of communication and lower our expectations so that when they eventually get in touch we are so happy to hear from them.

Lower expectations + easier to impress ladies = less effort on part of male.

In fact, we smile and are happy when we receive non flirty messages that read "How are you?" in such a platonic way were not even sure if any kind of spark ever happened - was that kiss all a dream?

It wouldn't bother me but I like this guy, I want to get to know him more, plus he is really fit in a Jude Law kind of way but far sexier.

So what on Earth constitutes a date then?

Introductions

On the advice of my two best friends, I have started this journal as a record of my experiences being a single girl and everything else that comes along with trying to date. I guess this journal serves no purpose or benefit than my own, hopefully in time it will save me from making the same mistakes repeatedly and will most likely give me something to laugh at when I’m having a bad day.

In no way am I desperate to find a man, either for a quick fling or something long term, and I would describe myself as a naturally cynic with a hidden romantic side.

I was in a relationship for 18 months but broke up with my significant other because he wanted a level of commitment I was unable to give. Breaking up hurt, not because I was heartbroken but because I had broken the heart of someone I cared deeply about.

So once again I am single and there is a whole world of opportunities, if only it was that simple! I am pretty convinced that dating gets harder the older you get, and the rules of engagement get more complex and more blurred so that moving from a simple kiss on a Saturday night to telling someone you “like” them becomes as difficult and doing the tango stood on your hands, or at least that’s how it feels to me.

But I’m willing to give it all a shot (again) none the less.